I Don’t Understand Painted Fingernails

Who was the first person who looked at their fingers or toes and went, “NOT GOOD ENOUGH. They need some color!”

It’s only 5 minutes long if you want to listen! But here are some of my favourite things I said.

To me, it’s like repainting the perfectly good walls of your house every two weeks and then sitting in the middle of the paint fumes and watching them dry for fun.

I’ve heard my partner’s mum tell his sister she can’t go out with a chip in her nail polish. I mean, I would have thought it would be common sense not to go picking up wood after cutting your nails.

Maybe that’s why I had to apply for 72 jobs before I got one. It was the nails all along. 

I tried to think of some reasons why someone would want acrylic nails. I came up with, professional envelope opener. Vampire, because everyone knows vampires have long nails, for some reason. Cat instructor, because you can relate to having claws. Professional hurry upper, by tapping your nails loudly on benches to get people to hurry up. Blackboard scratcher, if you want to give school kids nightmares forever. And I guess you could use your nails to avoid doing basically everything, because you can’t do it with long nails.

I Googled why do people wear acrylic nails? And it turns out one main reason is to stop nail biting, because they’re hard to chew. So, I recommended them to my partner Morgan, because he’s always chewing his nails. Like, always. It’s terrible. But unfortunately, he definitely didn’t like the helpful idea of acrylic nails. 

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